The DJ Mag Top 100 list is nearly upon us again, and as we all know, if you’re on this list then you’re a sell-out and probably a bit shit. The real DJs of EDM (or as those in the know call it: deep house), the ones who have been here since the halcyon days of 2012, know what the best music is. They know music so good that it probably wouldn’t get written about here anyway.

But even if you are one of those dance-music aficionados, you still aren’t trying hard enough. You can do better.

Thankfully, the ever prominent DJ Hanzel has parted several pearls of wisdom through Dillon Francis’s Facebook page (if you want to contact DJ Hanzel you must search deep within Myspace).

From reactivating ancient social media platforms to playing to the small hours of the morning, DJ Hanzel can help you become the cult musical pariah you’ve always dreamed of. But you’ll probably not become too underground; DJ Hanzel has no doubt kept the best tips for himself.

“Some words from DJ HANZEL

Do’s And Don’ts For DJ’s With DJ Hanzel

Don’t – Make It Into The DJ Mag Top Vun-Hundred
Nah-zing will destroy underground deep house-cred faster than finding your name on za dreaded DJ Mag Top Vun-Hundred List. Very few deep house DJ’s make it into za list every year because zey vant to stay deep. It’s easy to stay off za radar by keeping your music on Myspace and only agreeing to play sets between za hours of 4 and 9 am.

Do – Reactivate Your Myspace So Your Music Vill Be So Deep On Za Web No One Will Find You
Vat? Do you want to blow yourself online all day every day like Dillon fucking Francis?! He is terrible at going deepa! The secret is to go so deep, no vun can find you. Myspace vill be a safe place to hide out underneath ze regular DJ peasant internet til techno takes over foreva.

Don’t – Let The Fans Cop Your Style
Za fans can be dangerous if zey get too crazy or cop your style. If all za fans wear Ray-Ban Clubmasters then wearing Ray-Ban Clubmasters would be vun lessa and I’d have to revamp ze entire DJ Hanzel image, my agent vould be furious!

Do – Use 45 Minute Intros In Your Set
Don’t listen to za crowd, za promoter, your mommy – you must get up zhere and play za deepest set you’ve ever played in your entire life! But be varned! The club von’t be ready to go zat deep, you’ll need to warm zem up to give za room plenty of time to adjust to za pressure change. I recommend at least a 45 minute intro to make sure zey are ready to go all za way.

Don’t – Play Your Single. Don’t Even Make A Single.
As I vas writing this I realized it would be vun lessa to even make a single at all much less release it or play it out! If you’ve already soiled the depth of your DJ name by releasing a single, at least have za common decency not to play it live. Vat kind of person vill za people take you for?!”

DJ Hanzel