A peer reviewed study conducted by the Swedish Pharmacological and Pathological Institute has confirmed that an EDM deficiency is the leading cause of the debilitating and often embarrassing disease, known as acute cantdanceforshititis. Cantdanceforshititis is a condition in which an individual’s brain becomes unable to perceive the rhythm and beat of most popular music. The symptoms of Cantdanceforshititis include spasmodic movements, irregular activity in the location of the brain known as ‘the beat gland,’ and the involuntary practice of making ‘white-guy jazz hands.’ These symptoms are often distressing to sufferers of this serious, yet often hilarious to watch disease.
Speaking on behalf of the SPAPI (pronounced spappy) Dr. Erik Voerdenbergerger stated that “This research study yields invaluable data in the fight against Cantdanceforshititis. From a scientific standpoint we have just barely scratched the surface of this insidious disease, but our preliminary results look very promising,” adding that “An EDM treatment regimen consisting of heavy doses of vitamin Hardwell, coupled with weekly injections of a tech-house solution had an efficacy rate of about 95% in reversing the symptoms of those given the concoction.”
Cantdanceforshitits is a recently classified phenomenon that seems to affect certain groups more so than others. It is understood that caucasians, the morbidly obese, and individuals over the age of 30 are at highest risk of developing the disease. While literally anyone and everyone can suck at dancing, white males between the ages of 16 and 27 were the most affected category.
EDM works by boosting the activities of ‘the beat gland’ which is responsible for producing movement inducing proteins. This revolutionary new method of treatment differs from the age-old folk-style cure of alcohol in countering cantdanceforshitis. A study earlier this year published by the Newark Society of Amatuer Doctors, crushed the hopes of many for a cure when it determined that alcohol is an ineffective treatment for the disease. It was discovered that rather than alleviating symptoms, alcohol muted the self-awareness of the patient’s horrible dancefloor moves which could lead to further embarrassment.
The bold new EDM treatment for cantdanceforshititis will move into large scale double-blind testing internationally sometime later this year. Although Dr. Voerdenbergerger was quick to point out that the EDM treatment comes with its own set of potentially serious side-effects.
The clinical trial concluded that ingesting EDM can cause: aversion to sunlight, arguments about lineups and ticket prices, constantly empty bank accounts, euphoria, exhaustion, snobbery, arguing on the internet, obsession, shuffling, hours of involuntarily jumping in the same spot, getting lost at festivals, and a strong aversion to Paris Hilton, Afrojack, and DJ Bl3nd.
From the Associated Press
Disclaimer: Nothing in this article should be construed as medical advice. Cantdanceforshititis is not a real disease and this article is meant as entertainment only. If you take medical advice from a music blog, you’re gonna have a bad time. Any similarities between real persons, organizations, and entities and the fictional ones in this article is purely coincidental.