Editor’s Note: The following article may or may not be an entire work of fiction. Any similarities to individuals whether fictional or real- alive, or dead, or somewhere in between is purely coincidental…
I want to love going out to clubs and shows, but I face a dilemma each time I try and hit the dance floor. I’m a white guy. I like dancing, but I’ll be the first to admit that I am truly awful at it. I have no idea when to jump, or shuffle, or just fist pump when the beat drops.
This fear of not knowing ‘what to do with my hands’ and body would eventually begin to grow. I became so self-conscious, that instead of rocking out front row, I would stay home. I thought I could fix the problem myself, so I put on headphones and stood in front of the bathroom mirror and tried to make it look like I was in the Tomorrowland after movie. This sadly didn’t work and only worsened my problem, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t nail the slow-mo euphoria. Eventually, the idea of a going to a show would cause me so much conflicted anxiety that I ended up crying naked on my bedroom floor in utter hopeless despair.
I looked into support groups, there were none. I tried counseling but, apparently EDM related dance anxiety isn’t an actual disorder, but as I learned it is something that doctors will laugh at. Having hit a dead end in my dancing career, I began to explore other options, like maybe joining a monastery or becoming an accountant. Anything to get me away from the pressure of how to control my body at shows
One of life’s deepest questions…
Then one day everything changed. I received an email from none other than hypemaster MC Rycky Flash (apparently pronounced Ricky). Who said he could completely cure me of my ineptitude and all it would take is one day of immersive experiences with a master of the microphone. Tears of joy streaming down my face, I picked up the phone and made a call that would change my life forever. Rycky, told me to meet him in downton Denver, Colorado right in the very heart of the city, early that next day…
Below, I will chronicle my life-changing experience and transformation into an ascended god of the dance floor who understands the true importance of MC’s at shows.
My nerves were a raging torrent of pure chemical fear as I pressed the call button on the elevator that would deliver me to my fate. With an ominous ding, the elevator doors slid open and I stepped in. Pressing the top floor button, the elevator lept upwards to the highest reaches of the building. The entire ride I did all in my power to keep from violently vomiting my meager breakfast onto my fresh new kicks, which I had bought with the explicit purpose of looking ‘fresh on the floor’; a purpose yet unfulfilled. As I neared my destination, I began to notice a subtle yet unmistakable four on the floor kick drum that intensely loudened as I was lifted higher and higher. The elevator jolted to a sudden halt, the doors slid open and revealed a hallway leading down to a single door. The bass had become deafening at this point, although it was nearly muffled by my own pounding heartbeat. With great trepidation, I shuffled to the door and knocked. To my surprise the door swung open as if it was guided by the hand of the spirit of dance music itself.
Standing with his back to the door stood a figure who I assumed to be Rycky Flash, staring down on Denver through an enormous plate glass window.
“Are you ready?” he asked without turning to me.
“Ready…? for what?” I responded, unable to stop my voice from shaking.
He paused for a moment which seemed like an eternity. “To put your f*cking hands up,” he replied with a sudden power in his voice.
I nodded, forgetting he couldn’t see me.
“Step inside, we start right now, can you FEEL it?”
I didn’t feel anything, nevertheless I stepped into his penthouse immediately regretting my decision, thinking to myself “God, let me be a CPA, I swear I’ll never listen to EDM again if you just get me out of here,”
Besides the designer furniture and luxury white carpets my attention was immediately drawn to a large glass tank filled with water, illuminated by flashing strobes of brilliant color. I could vaguely make out a silhouette of a creature that had too many appendages to count all of which were raised in the water.
“Do you like my friend?” Rycky asked, turning around dramatically, “Flash Junior, is a marvelous creature isn’t he?”
Before I could respond I noticed that Rycky whose eyes concealed behind Rayban Wayfarers and dressed in a Native America print bro tank and jeans skinnier than I thought possible, was holding a microphone. I began to open my mouth to speak but before I could choke any words out, Rycky raised the microphone to his mouth, raising one fist in the air. As if on cue, the blaring loud music began to build, “Denver!!!! Get those hands up!!!” he bellowed.
The lights in the tank exploded revealing Flash Junior to be a blood red octopus. Heeding the command the octopus raised all eight tentacles straight up and began to wave them wildly.
“When this drops I want to see you jump! MAKE SOME NOOOISEE” Rycky yelled again, into the microphone beginning to bounce to the beat.
Just as he commanded, Junior let out a stream of bubbles which I can only assume came from a joyous aquatic shout. The music reached a fever pitch and then slammed into the drop. The creature began to fly up and down to the beat in his watery environment, changing every imaginable neon color. It was a sight of pure beauty that melted my fear and doubts in an instant. I wanted to be an octopus in that moment.
Rycky Flash shot me a winning grin and dropped the mic, placing his freed hand on my shoulder.
“It’s beautiful isn’t it?” he asked, “I can make you even better, I will connect you to the animal inside of you that must be tamed. I will free you.”
In total awe of the spectacle in front of me, I was unable to speak. The MC raised his hand and snapped his finger. The music instantly cut as if responding to the will of this wise sensei.
“Are you ready?” he asked again.
“Yes,” I decreed, with a new found resolve in my voice.
“Good, then let’s go,” he said guiding me out of the door back into the hallway, shutting it with a heavy thud.
My journey had begun, stay tuned for part 2.
End of part 1… Stay tuned for part two on Saturday!