Selena Gomez’s “baby dubstep” album, “Stars Dance,” has officially beat out Jay Z to reach No. 1 on the Billboard 200. Sigh.

As could be expected, all 13 songs on the album were pretty horrible. Although it was hard to choose one in particular to highlight, I think “Birthday,” really takes the cake (no pun intended). Throughout the song, Gomez instructs the listener to “tell ’em that its my birthday” and to “blow your dreams away with me,” whatever that means. She also punctuates these lyrics with random moaning sounds, for an altogether awkward listening experience.

Coming in at a close second, “B.E.A.T.” seems to be her concert anthem. The general style is similar to Dev’s “Bass Down Low,” except 10000x more annoying. Also, the most repeated line of the song is “beat in my face” so take from that what you will.

Overall, the album just sounds pretty confused. The mash of musical styles (from various genres of EDM to some reggae… chanting?) doesn’t seem to fit well together. Also, there is an overtly sexual emphasis, but compiled with the PG13 lyrics, it just makes you feel kind of dirty.

From all of the emphasis on the “baby dubstep” style, I was expecting a lot more, well… dubstep. I mean, Taylor Swift’s foray into dubstep had more bass in it than this. At the end of the day, it just sounds like typical manufactured pop music. But hey, at least she’s not twerking and making out with doll heads like Miley Cyrus.

If you’re still curious to hear some of this “EDM” feel free to check out the video below. Prepare to regret it all day, because terrible or not this shit is catchy and it WILL get stuck in your head.

Selena Gomez – Slow Down