If there’s one thing to be said about um.., other than pointing out their weirdness, it’s that they have a pretty consistent release schedule. We’re regularly getting new audio creations from the duo that leave us scratching our head and moving our feet, wondering where in the hell these sounds came from.
Latest treat is “mad recent,” a swinging tune making use of all the usual oddly sampled sounds you can think of, along with all of the ones you can’t.
And as with every new release, um.. presents a new act in their ongoing story of a battle against evil and labels. Read Act V below, and follow the links to previous chapters if you need a refresher.
Act I | Act II | Act III | Act IV
the protagonist’s journey: act V
amidst all of the crazed chaos surrounding them, protagonist had only just begun to get a grip on his emotions and realize what was happening. ally and he were being saved, but, by who? up until this point, protagonist had never considered that anyone else knew of the quest and he definitely never expected anyone to have to save them from notoriously bad record labels.
he felt like they had been running for an hour before they finally stopped at what looked like a secluded park with no one in sight. suddenly he felt much more calm and safe from harm. without thinking, he asked, “where are we?” the hooded figure didn’t even stop to turn around, but raised their hand in a beckoning manner, signaling them to follow. their savior quickly climbed up an inconspicuous tree which seemed to have branches reaching across a very wide area. protagonist looked back to ally who nodded in an approving fashion as if to say, they should follow. before they could understand what they were climbing towards, protagonist saw a cleverly hidden rope which he grabbed onto and pulled himself up to a wooden floorboard leading them to a large door.
the three of them entered the treehouse and their hooded conductor finally spoke, but their voice was muffled by the mask they wore. protagonist and ally exchanged confused glances as they had no idea what had been said. exhaling a large sigh, the mysterious figure removed their mask and let her long blonde hair fall behind her back.
“hey i know you.” protagonist said.
“oh so you remember me?” she retorted.
“yeah you told me my music was horrible.” protagonist stated, irritated by the memory.
she smirked, “yeah, i only listen to house and techno.”
ally rolled his eyes.
“I’ve been following you.” she continued
“you have? why?” protagonist inquired.
“i guess the princess didn’t want to leave anything to chance. looks like she was right.” she answered.
“its not like i was gonna say yes to them.” protagonist said, annoyed by the notion.
“do you really think they were gonna let you leave?” she continued confidently.
“well yeah but..”
“we don’t have time. please tell me you still have that ecig.” she said as she cut him off.
“yeah i do, but skrillex said..”
she laughed loudly, “trust me, skrillex doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”
protagonist could tell the beautiful girl didn’t really care what he had to say so he kept quiet.
“eat these.” she said tossing a handful of organic gluten free vegan energy bars at them, “you’ll need your strength.”
protagonist took a bite and started to gag. it tasted like dog food.. and not the good kind of dog food either. the kind that the dog won’t even eat when you put it in his bowl. ally didn’t even open his. instead he tucked it in his pants when the girl wasn’t watching him, hoping that he’d never have to experience what protagonist had just gone through.
“and put those on. you’re going to need them to blend in on the way to Velo City.”
she ordered while gesturing at some clothes folded on a shelf in the corner of the treehouse. there were some skin tight black jeans, black v necks with bold white lettering which resembled a sports jersey that stretched down to their knees as if it were a dress. these shirts were made by mad recent, a shitty clothing company that knocked off some other shitty clothing company. there were also rounded dark sunglasses and clip on man buns. she then proceeded to hand them stickers with japanese words on them which none of them could read. she explained, “people wear this stuff all the time, no one actually knows what it’s saying.” protagonist knew that there was no point in arguing with her. she had just saved them after all.
he and ally reluctantly starting changing into their new clothes and with each piece they put on, they felt a little more pretentious and accomplished even though nothing had changed. the three of them exchanged looks across the treehouse. protagonist wished that they didn’t look so worried, but he knew this was his time to lead by example. “let’s go.” he stated, his voice cracking as it often did when he was nervous. there was no turning back now.
as they climbed down the rope leading them back into the calm and quiet park protagonist couldn’t help but feel anxious. his new clothes felt heavy and unoriginal, but he understood that he had to blend in with everyone else to be taken seriously. they made their way to a dimly lit road. the sun was going down and as it disappeared behind the mountain landscape protagonist felt a cold chill run down his spine.
they had been walking for what seemed like hours before they heard a loud, monstrous scream from the direction they were walking towards. as they looked to the sky, the silhouette of a dragon appeared in front of the moon. ally shuddered in fear, he had been afraid of anything reptilian after hearing about a conspiracy theory involving the kingdom being run by secret reptilians. protagonist knew this wasn’t a coincidence. dragons hadn’t been seen since 2012 when dubstep started getting really bad for a while and everyone thought that they had gone extinct after hearing so much screeching and cheesy chords.
they were still stunned where they stood as if there feet were cemented in place. the creature was flying towards them faster than they could say..
“is that a… a dragon?” ally whimpered under his breath, cutting off protagonists train of thought. there was no doubt now, it was coming for them and there was no point in trying to hide. protagonist felt a strange sense of confidence as it landed only a shouting distance away. he could see now that this dragon was being controlled by the evil witch.
she sat atop it’s back with fake looking diamond reigns. protagonist knew they were rhinestones though. as the witch came into their line of sight, she looked only to protagonist, disregarding the other two as if it was just her and protagonist having a casual chat.
“it’s nice to finally meet you in person, protagonist. you have come much farther than I ever thought you would when I sent my men to stop you back at that outdated vape shop.” the witch spoke sternly. “it’s time we put this ‘quest’ to rest once and for all.” she continued.
just as protagonist stepped up to say something, the dragon spit flames across the street just feet in front of them. at this point ally and the girl were safely behind protagonist, unsure of what their purpose was in this standoff. without fear, protagonist dashed across the fire and yelled back,
“I never asked for any of this, but now I understand why it must be done. you’re super lame and uninspiring and I’m not afraid of you!”
the witch laughed and the dragon took flight staring down at protagonist. without saying anything else, protagonist knew they were done talking. the dragon took a deep breath and protagonist could see no way of surviving this time. he reached into his pocket instinctively and pulled out the ecig and started vaping. he noticed as he did this, that the dragon pulled a little bit closer to him as if it were attached to a rope inside of the ecig. the witch lost her footing and fell off the dragon landing with a loud thud on the pavement. without taking any time to think about physics or reason, protagonist inhaled fatter than he ever had before and he felt the dragon pulling closer and closer. he was feeling out of breath, light headed and overall sickly as the taste of watermelon flavored vapor entered his mouth, it was his least favorite flavor..
he kept going as long as he could until he saw the tail of the dragon vanish into the other end of the ecig. everything turned dark and he felt the weight of the world pushing him to the ground..
thwap! protagonist awoke to a bird flying into a window of some unfamiliar shop that he now realized he was sleeping in.
“what happened?” he murmured, utterly lost on what had just occurred.
“protagonist!” the girl and ally yelled in sync. “you stopped the dragon! you passed out immediately after, but you stopped the dragon!” ally continued, incredibly enthusiastically to the point where protagonist was just like chill, but he didn’t say that.
“and the witch?” protagonist beckoned.
“well, that’s another story.” the girl added. “she was gone by the time we got to you and we just wanted to make sure you were okay after all of that and..”
protagonist cut her off, “thank you.” he said reassuringly.
the girl started, “we don’t have much time though, if you’re feeling better, that is. we should be leaving sooner rather than later, especially considering I have no idea of whom this shop belongs”.
protagonist nodded. his head felt heavy as he did so. he knew this was the beginning of the end.
